WASHINGTON, D.C. — A question that has been burning in the minds of thousands of Adventists for decades may finally be answered this year: Is Loma Linda more Adventist than Berrien Springs?” As Adventists themselves have been entirely unable to make up their minds, the United States Supreme Court has offered to rule on the […]
COLLEGEDALE, Tennessee — In what administrators admit constitutes an unpardonable sin for an Adventist institution, Southern Adventist University disclosed today that bacon strips had been served to students instead of Stripples. “The two food products look remarkably similar,” said Southern spokesperson Lechon Diba to a large gathering of reporters, adding that Southern’s theologians had immediately […]
Bumbleton, Iowa – December 28, 2023 – The devoted assembly at Uptite Seventh-day Adventist Church, celebrated for its unwavering programming precision and steadfast Sabbath rituals, was thrust into a theological tempest this Sabbath: Pastor Milton Fiddlebottom accidentally preached five minutes past the sacred noon deadline. In this act, Pastor Milton committed the ecclesiastical equivalent of […]
Discover Adventist Today supporter Deanne Hoehn’s captivating missionary journey in post-colonial Africa. By purchasing this book, you’re not just embarking on an exciting read – you’re contributing to Adventist Today’s mission as all proceeds go to AT. Book overview Deanne Hoehn spent 13 years of her young life writing these stories about becoming a missionary […]
As the clock ticks down on 2023, we find ourselves reflecting on the incredible year we’ve shared. Through your generous support, Adventist Today has continued to be a beacon of accessible, independent Adventist journalism, providing bold reporting, brave commentary, provocative humor/satire, and a whole host of other content to serve our audience. Every Saturday we’ve […]
LOMA LINDA, California — A team of Adventist ultravegetarians, some random hikers, and several senior Loma Linda University (LLU) biologists have successfully engineered a tick that makes those it bites vegetarian. “We went ahead and released a ton of these ticks throughout the Loma Linda area without telling anyone,” said a spokesperson for the LLU-sponsored […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — The General Conference (GC) building joined the festive season by decorating each floor with an impressive amount of red tape. Feeling the tithe parity squeeze, the treasury department banned the use of any other material for dressing up office spaces. But since there was no end to the supply of red […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Church officials from around the world rushed to Silver Spring yesterday after senior denominational leadership realized there was one remaining aspect of Adventist living for which they had not published a narrow, binding policy: Christmas present regifting. Despite the fact that Christmas Day is literally around the corner, dozens of leaders […]
ADVENTIST WORLD — For the first time in Adventist history, churches will feature official seating charts. Each member will have an assigned seat, and visitors will be seated at the very front of the sanctuary where the entire congregation can keep an eye on them. General Conference Director of Church Rigidity Mas Reglas pushed back […]
Excited Adventists everywhere are carefully wrapping Christmas presents and according to real-time data available from the General Conference Department of Questionable Expenditure, the most gifted item this year is the first-ever Ellen G. White action figure. Produced by the Ellen G. White Estate, an initial production run of 144,000 action figures of the Adventist cofounder […]
By AT board member and growth strategist Chris Daley We have entered another Advent season. The brutal and turbulent times we live in would seem to let us think that peace is in the emergency room on life support. The images of Gaza and Ukraine, along with the nightly news stories of our communities, leave […]
HAWTHORNE, California — Billionaire inventor Elon Musk of Tesla and Space X fame has unveiled his boldest project to date: rockets that will get Adventists to church on time. Musk said that the deafening noise of rockets landing on pads outside Adventist homes would dissuade any member from trying to sleep in on Sabbath morning. […]
