WASHINGTON, D.C. — A question that has been burning in the minds of thousands of Adventists for decades may finally be answered this year: Is Loma Linda more Adventist than Berrien Springs?”
As Adventists themselves have been entirely unable to make up their minds, the United States Supreme Court has offered to rule on the issue, to finally give territorial Adventists some closure.
Residents of both towns have claimed that they are from the “Jerusalem of Adventism,” and that the other community should stop pretending to be more Adventist.
Berrien Springs residents have wholeheartedly rejected Loma Linda claims to being more Adventist simply based on the fact that Loma Linda is a blue zone.
Berrien loyalists said they aren’t dying earlier due to a less vegetarian diet but because Michigan’s weather robs people of the will to live.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.