AT Lite
SATIRE: White Estate Ditches Plans to Make EGW Smile in Historic Photos After Kate Middleton Fiasco
The Ellen G. White (EGW) Estate has called off its mission to plaster a grin on Adventist cofounder Ellen White’s face in photographs. The sudden change of heart follows the uproar caused by Princess Kate Middleton’s digitally altered UK Mother’s Day snapshot. A spokesperson for the White Estate said, “White wasn’t too keen on flashing […]
SATIRE: Adventist Town Gripped by Sunday Law Fears as Local Bakery Announces Sunday Closure
Hopeville, SDA – In news that has sent shivers down the spines of even the most seasoned doomsayers, Hopeville’s beloved “Heavenly Pastries” bakery announced its doors will be closed this coming Sunday. This seemingly innocuous closure, attributed to “family obligations” by owner Brother Jebediah, has ignited a firestorm of speculation and conspiracy theories hotter than […]
SATIRE: Member Has Lowered Standards Enough to Date Guy From Church
GLENDALE, California — Although it hasn’t been an easy journey getting to this point, Michelle Turner says that the next time that Ed from church asks her out, she might actually say yes. Turner said that while this wouldn’t have been the case six months ago, the dire lack of dating options locally has left […]
SATIRE: Loma Linda to Be Fitted With Large Plastic Bubble
LOMA LINDA, California — In the first construction project of its kind anywhere in the world, Loma Linda University administrators have announced that the school and its immediate surroundings will be fitted with a durable plastic bubble. “We will stop at nothing to make Loma Linda University the most bubbly of Adventist bubbles,” said Loma […]
SATIRE: GC Recommends Extra Long Skirts for Maximum Modesty During Time of Trouble
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — The General Conference (GC) sent out an urgent announcement today reminding members of the need for “maximum modesty throughout the Time of Trouble.” In a press release that seemed to mix practicality with prophecy, Elder Ezekiel Brown, hill navigation spokesperson for the General Conference, remarked, “As we anticipate the challenges of […]
SATIRE: Pacific Press releases ‘50 Shades of Gray: Acceptable Church Hair’
NAMPA, Idaho — Drawn from extensive surveys of churchgoing Adventists, a compilation of 50 acceptable church hair styles has just been published. The listing takes the form of a book released by Pacific Press today: 50 Shades of Gray: Acceptable Church Hair. In order to approach the contentious issue as democratically as possible, hair styles […]
SATIRE – Survey: Most Adventists Don’t Actually Know What They Believe (But They’re Sure Everyone Else Is Wrong)
A recent survey conducted among Adventists has revealed a troubling trend: many members of the faith aren’t entirely sure about what they believe. Despite this uncertainty, they remain steadfastly convinced that everyone else is wrong. The survey, which polled thousands of Adventists worldwide, found that a significant portion struggled to articulate basic tenets of their […]