COLLEGEDALE, Tennessee — Mark and Suzie Robertson, parents of two recent Southern Adventist University graduates, are demanding a full tuition and board refund from the university. “The whole reason we sent Seth and Bethany to Southern was so that they could both get married. All we ever heard about were a few lame banquet dates,” […]
COLLEGEDALE, Tennessee — Tensions are running at an all-time high at Strident Lane Adventist Church as a lawsuit over the disputed rights to a popular church pew comes to a boil. At the center of the lawsuit is the Miefurst family claiming that after decades of consistently sitting in the pew (front row, right of […]
BERRIEN SPRINGS, Michigan — An international study of the views of single Adventist women on romantic relationships has revealed near-unanimous agreement that the quality of available Adventist men is a “great disappointment.” Regardless of their culture or nationality, Adventist women seemed to agree that the few Adventist men that are quality have already been snatched […]
No matter when it was you studied at Newbold, the following things probably ring true: You kissed someone in Sylvia’s Garden It’s romantic, we get it. You’ve jetted all over Europe on breaks for less money than it costs to take the train to Scotland This especially applies if Newbold was your first taste of […]
ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA – Earlier today — just as Noah and his family members were about to put what they assumed were the final touches on the construction of the ark — they were visited by a stern-faced General Conference (GC) Compliance Committee delegation. Wielding clipboards and rulers, the GC officials meticulously inspected the ark, their […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Despite the unfortunate fact King Charles III was crowned on Sabbath, General Conference leaders (GC) breathed a collective sigh of relief to have a male on the British throne again. “Having a female as UK monarch for so long was not great for our efforts to keep ordination male-only,” read an […]
Immaculata Springs, Maryland — Known for his knack for criticism and a perpetually disapproving countenance, Bartholomew Scornwell, head deacon of Guiltius Way Adventist Church, has taken it upon himself to label everyone he dislikes a Jesuit. One instance that fueled Scornwell’s suspicion occurred during a Sabbath potluck when a quiet and pious grandmother accidentally dropped […]
SEATTLE, Washington — Starbucks Coffee Company is suing the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists for what it calls “systematic slander of caffeine.” The company claims that Adventist rhetoric against caffeine has robbed the coffee chain of profits in markets around the world. Starbucks spokesperson Max Gittery said that due to the rapid growth of Adventism, […]
Chattanooga, Tennessee – Dying to rip open a box of Little Debbie Nutty Buddy treats, local Pathfinder counselor Patch Aittems paused briefly to say grace, asking for the sugar bomb to nourish and strengthen his body. Salivating, he added he was grateful to be indulging in the chocolatey goodness, especially as there were so many […]
MIDDLE EAST — Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need to be rebaptized as he had not done a thorough study of the 28 fundamentals. The letter from the eunuch’s local union office called the experience “too much of an impulse […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — The Orienteering Pathfinder honor that used to involve a bunch of complicated wilderness compass and map reading has now been updated. The new honor is called “Use GPS” and simply recommends that Pathfinders “push the on button on their Garmin devices.” The General Conference (GC) Pathfinder Department made the decision after […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — A special all-male committee of General Conference (GC) executives has been asked to write a position statement on whether pets get to go to heaven. Although the Bible will be consulted, committee members have been instructed to be careful to respect the majority consensus as dictated by world regions that can […]
