AT Lite
SATIRE: Master Guide Passes Out From Weight of Honors
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — A Master Guide who had earned every Pathfinder honor currently available passed out today while speaking to a large group of club directors in Silver Spring. Dressed in full Pathfinder regalia, Patch Haddams was speaking in an auditorium with faulty air conditioners when the burden of his jumbo-sized sash, weighed down […]
SATIRE: Bickering Couple Moving North So Sun Will Never Set on Their Anger
COLLEGEDALE, Tennessee — Clara and Ed Holder have big plans for their marriage next year. The Collegedale-based couple is planning to move to a country with territory comfortably within the Arctic Circle, where the sun never sets for several spring/summer months. “We got married right after graduating from Southern in 2010, and at first everything […]
SATIRE: Devil Proud of His Church Board Attendance Record
Underworld sources have confirmed that the Devil himself is beaming with pride over his impressive church board attendance record. According to Lucifer’s spokesperson, Beelzebob, the Evil One has been diligently attending church board meetings for decades, all while maintaining his notorious reputation in the world of temptation and sin. “Satan has a perfect attendance record […]
SATIRE: Southern Stops Fundraising as Student Fines Make Enough Money
COLLEGEDALE, Tennessee — In a first for Adventist educational institutions worldwide, Southern Adventist University’s Advancement Department has announced an end to all fundraising activities effective immediately. The decision was made possible by what Southern’s administration has described as a “torrent of revenue from student fines.” “Southern offers a generous menu of fineable offenses,” said Bubba […]
SATIRE: Vatican Deports Doug Batchelor
VATICAN CITY STATE — Vatican officials have confirmed that Adventist pastor and television personality Doug Batchelor was deported from Vatican City today. Batchelor was removed by Vatican security while he was filming a segment for his popular television show Amazing Facts. The Adventist pastor was quickly escorted out of Vatican City and dropped off at […]
SATIRE: Coffee Shop Owners Association Say Best Place to Open a Coffee Shop Is Just Outside an Adventist College
“If your dream is to open a coffee shop, put it next to an Adventist college campus,” says the US-based Coffee Shop Owners Association (CSOA). In their quarterly best practice advisory, the association pointed to exploding revenues reported by coffee shops that are currently located within a five-mile radius of Adventist schools. “The vast majority […]
SATIRE: Developer Selling Plots for Adventist Subdivision in Heaven
HOLLAND, Michigan — Adventist luxury home developer Chuck Todson of Todson Heavenly Homes has started selling down payments for seven-room mansions in what he is billing “the most exclusive subdivision in heaven.” Home plot down payments for the all-Adventist community are currently selling for the bargain price of $10,000 each, “well below your average American […]
