PORTLAND, Oregon — Cabin fever reached a new high today for local Adventist Booker Powell, who took to social media to complain about a bad flu. Powell told worn-out friends he felt more cooped up at home than he did as a teen, in his academy dorm room, after curfew, on a Saturday night. Exasperated […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Hope Channel has just launched a new trivia game show titled “Who Said It – EGW or the Bible?” The show is an effort to clear up Adventist confusion about the origin of favorite quotes and ideas. “Far too many of our members are convinced that their most treasured ‘memory verses’ […]
A new brand of vegetarian cheese has just hit the shelves of Adventist Book Centers. Marketed as a “multi-purpose product,” Durocheeze is not only a “delicious” cheese substitute but also comes with a separately wrapped wick. “Durocheeze is the ultimate Adventist food item,” said Marketing Director Becky Day. “It lasts unrefrigerated on a shelf for […]
Ah, Adventist hymns. The perfect way to lull yourself into a peaceful Sabbath afternoon nap (or get riled up for that evangelistic campaign). Here are some of our favorite Adventist hymn names (with a little bit of satire thrown in for good measure): “Oh, How I Love Potluck” “Take My Life (And Let Me Only […]
CRUNCHDALE, Tenn. — Lifelong Adventist and faithful potluck contributor Chip Skeete was disfellowshipped from Crunchdale Church after church elders discovered Rice Krispies in the Special K Loaf he brought to potluck last Sabbath. Church Board members were not impressed with Skeete’s excuse that he had only discovered his meager supply of Special K five minutes […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — A database has been created to track Cheapventists (Adventists known at their local churches for attending potluck without contributing their own dishes). Since word got out about its existence, General Conference administrators have been inundated with names of members that should be on the list. “We were shocked at how much […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland—An Adventist credit card was launched today with some unique features. The credit card is available exclusively through Adventist Book Center (ABC) stores and will not work on Sabbath. “Our credit card is designed to be rejected when it is used between Friday sunset and Saturday sunset,” said ABC spokesperson Pam Flett. She […]
UPTITE, Michigan — A Scottish Adventist visiting Michigan for the first time was chased out of Uptite Lane Adventist Church for what stone-faced deacons called “shameless cross-dressing.” Alastair McLaughlin, who had decided to wear a traditional Scottish kilt to church, barely made it into Uptite’s foyer before being questioned by the congregation’s disciplinary committee about […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland —— General Conference (GC) senior leadership rushed into an emergency meeting this morning after a researcher at the White Estate forwarded a memo claiming “irrefutable evidence Ellen White (EGW) thought Doritos were way better than Fritos in haystacks.” GC leaders are struggling with how to frame the new evidence given the fact […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland – Later today, General Conference (GC) leaders will be voting on the hotly debated topic of where in the headquarters parking lot to gather at the time of the Second Coming. So far, nobody has been able to agree whether to gather for lift-off right outside the main entrance or to aim […]
LOMA LINDA, California — Martha Dogood has spent the entirety of her life in Loma Linda and is the current world record holder for personally earned Pathfinder honor patches (they fill up seven extra-wide sashes). Martha can quote the Spirit of Prophecy better than White Estate employees and makes Hans Diehl himself blush at her […]
