AT Lite
SATIRE: General Conference Clarifies: It’s “AD-ven-tist” Not “Ad-VEN-tist”
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Earlier today, General Conference (GC) linguists brought clarity to a matter that has plagued Adventism for decades: the correct way to pronounce the word “Adventist.” “The right way to say it has always been and will always be “AD-ventist” not “Ad-VEN-tist,” said GC spokesperson Hauju Seyit. “For years, our church has […]
SATIRE: Adventist Nutritionists Solve Egg Shortage by Not Caring About Eggs
With egg prices soaring, Adventist nutritionists across the denomination are basking in a glow of self-righteousness brighter than a Loma Linda sunrise. These plant-based pioneers are dusting off their “Meatless Monday” playbooks and delivering a resounding “We told you so” to anyone still clinging to their omelet dreams. “Eggs are a luxury now? Shocking,” deadpanned […]
AdventInnovate: The Pathfinder Club Game
The Pathfinder Club Game is a roll-and-write game involving friendly competition and coordination. On the game sheet, participants will try to accomplish many of the things involved in the first year of Pathfinders such as pitching a tent, hiking, swimming, learning the Pathfinder Pledge, and tending a fire – as well as occasionally giving neighbor […]
SATIRE: Netflix Introduces Sabbath Filter
LOS GATOS, California — Online streaming giant Netflix has announced plans to create a “Sabbath” filter that saves Adventists the agonizing work of scrolling through huge swathes of entirely unSabbathy entertainment options as they look for a suitable nature video or G-rated movie featuring nuns, lots of singing, and at least one character called Maria. […]
SATIRE: Trump Pulls U.S. Out of General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold and unexpected executive order signed this morning, President Donald Trump announced that the United States is officially withdrawing from the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists (GC), ending a relationship that has spanned over a century. “We’re done with this GC thing, folks, believe me,” Trump declared from the White House lawn, […]
SATIRE: Eligible Adventist Males Declared Endangered Species
FONTAINEBLEU, France — The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) has made its first human addition to the list of endangered species: eligible Adventist males. The IUCN said that numbers of single Adventist males with a job and basic hygiene had fallen dangerously low. The organization is calling for conservation efforts around the world, […]
SATIRE: Adventist Church Is a Great Place for Women, According to Old Male Leaders
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — General Conference leaders have voted to approve a statement praising the denomination as “a great place for women.” The sea of mostly graying male delegates also affirmed the church’s repeated decision to deny females (over half of the global population of the church) the opportunity to serve as ordained ministers. The […]
SATIRE: Adventist Contractor Exclusively Builds Sabbath-Appropriate Wading Pools
PUDDLE, Florida — An Adventist contractor has launched a business exclusively dedicated to building shallow pools appropriate for Sabbath wading. Holly Stride has taken out ads across Adventist media, advertising “guilt-free Sabbath wading in the comfort of your backyard.” Stride guarantees that none of her pools are deep enough for any “unSabbath-like water activity,” even […]
AdventInnovate: Hyve Conference
Hyve is a conference for faith-driven entrepreneurs to connect, grow, and help each other build businesses that make a difference. Their goal? To build a global “beehive” of mission-driven ventures in every city around the world. Check out the video below or at our YouTube Channel here. To comment, click/tap here.
