AT Lite
SATIRE: Trump Promises to Build Wall Around Adventist Subdivision in Heaven
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Election Day looms, the Trump and Biden campaigns are appealing to voters of all stripes in an attempt to woo them. Both candidates are scraping the barrel when it comes to undecided voters and have stooped as low as trying to get Adventists to vote for them. While President Joe Biden […]
SATIRE: Adventists Reminded Not to Bring Burnt Offerings to Potluck
LOMA LINDA, California — Leading Adventist nutritionists are reminding Adventists that burnt offerings are “no longer a thing” and should not make appearances at Sabbath potlucks. “Do not try to bring back Old Testament practices just because you might be a bit more distracted than usual this week,” said Adventist Nutritional Association spokesperson Kareem Paye. […]
SATIRE: Clapping Sound Heard From Rocks as Adventist Leaders Ban Church Applause
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — General Conference (GC) officials were both alarmed and genuinely annoyed this morning to hear a loud clapping sound coming from rocks around the huge building housing the Seventh-day Adventist world headquarters. “It seemed as though wherever two or more rocks were gathered, there was a really loud clapping sound,” said GC […]
SATIRE: Adventists Rescued as Practice ‘Run for the Hills’ Goes Wrong
SIOUX FALLS, South Dakota — A group of 28 exhausted Adventists has been rescued 24 hours after straying from a popular hiking trail. “We were on a hike that was supposed to serve as training for the time of trouble,” said Rodney Fergusson, Coordinator for the local Run for the Hills chapter. The organization, based […]
SATIRE: PUC Housekeeping: Please Flush, La Sierra Needs the Water
ANGWIN, California — Tensions are at an all-time high between Northern California’s Pacific Union College (PUC) and its sister institution to the south, La Sierra University. The firestarter for this most recent spat between the two highly competitive Adventist schools was a cleanliness campaign initiated by PUC’s Housekeeping Department. Yesterday, signs were put in every […]
SATIRE: Raising Hands in Worship Identified as Adventist Unpardonable Sin
ADVENTIST WORLD — Raising hands in worship has always been taboo in Adventist circles. The practice has now been elevated to the unenviable status of “Adventist unpardonable sin” by theologians at the General Conference’s Biblical Research Institute (BRI). Hand raising narrowly beat out stealing the pastor’s parking spot and excessive pew whispering for the worst […]
SATIRE: Global “Pray for Hotter Men in Church Sabbath” Announced
ADVENTIST WORLD — Next Saturday has been designated Global Pray for Hotter Single Men at Church Sabbath. The special designation comes after decades of complaints that single men at church arrive on Sabbath mornings looking like they just rolled out of bed and believe Ellen White forbade shaving. “The beauty differential between single men and […]
