SATIRE: Loma Linda Releases Tick That Makes You Vegetarian
LOMA LINDA, California — A team of Adventist ultravegetarians, some random hikers, and several senior Loma Linda University (LLU) biologists have successfully engineered a tick that makes those it bites vegetarian.
“We went ahead and released a ton of these ticks throughout the Loma Linda area without telling anyone,” said a spokesperson for the LLU-sponsored interdisciplinary team, Uneth Ikal. “We’ve calculated that our ticks account for 28% of local vegetarianism.”
Shocked local residents were taken aback by the announcement.
“It made me question my motives for becoming a vegetarian,” said family practice resident Will Yoo Wedmee. “Did I get bitten by this tick, or do I just hate the taste of chicken?”
Organizers of NEWSTART seminars in town have harvested hundreds of the ticks for release during nutritional lectures. “Not even Weimar can be more persuasive about the benefits of vegetarianism than these ticks,” said local NEWSTART presenter Yuchi Pines.
For its part, the General Conference (GC) has condemned the use of the ticks to spread vegetarianism.
“The GC does not believe in biological warfare unless it’s related to gender,” said a GC statement encouraging Loma Linda residents to wear bug spray.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
