SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Church officials from around the world rushed to Silver Spring yesterday after senior denominational leadership realized there was one remaining aspect of Adventist living for which they had not published a narrow, binding policy: Christmas present regifting.

Despite the fact that Christmas Day is literally around the corner, dozens of leaders flocked to three mics at the front of the General Conference (GC) auditorium, wildly debating what the Spirit of Prophecy would have Adventist regifters do.

The few hours of daylight gave way to darkness and by midnight, a strongly worded policy was ready, specifying that only three gifts could be regifted by compliant Adventists: “candles (unless they are branded with your name), gift baskets (unless they contain alcohol or coffee, in which case they must be immediately destroyed when received from clueless friends/family that have not received the health message), and devotional books (if you already have a copy and the inscription from the giver can be safely removed/edited).

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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