AT Lite
SATIRE: Congregation Faces Existential Crisis as Pastor Transcends Noon Sermon Limit
Bumbleton, Iowa – December 28, 2023 – The devoted assembly at Uptite Seventh-day Adventist Church, celebrated for its unwavering programming precision and steadfast Sabbath rituals, was thrust into a theological tempest this Sabbath: Pastor Milton Fiddlebottom accidentally preached five minutes past the sacred noon deadline. In this act, Pastor Milton committed the ecclesiastical equivalent of […]
SATIRE: Loma Linda Releases Tick That Makes You Vegetarian
LOMA LINDA, California — A team of Adventist ultravegetarians, some random hikers, and several senior Loma Linda University (LLU) biologists have successfully engineered a tick that makes those it bites vegetarian. “We went ahead and released a ton of these ticks throughout the Loma Linda area without telling anyone,” said a spokesperson for the LLU-sponsored […]
SATIRE: GC Christmas Decorations Consisted Entirely of Red Tape
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — The General Conference (GC) building joined the festive season by decorating each floor with an impressive amount of red tape. Feeling the tithe parity squeeze, the treasury department banned the use of any other material for dressing up office spaces. But since there was no end to the supply of red […]
SATIRE: GC Rushes Out Policy on Regifting
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Church officials from around the world rushed to Silver Spring yesterday after senior denominational leadership realized there was one remaining aspect of Adventist living for which they had not published a narrow, binding policy: Christmas present regifting. Despite the fact that Christmas Day is literally around the corner, dozens of leaders […]
SATIRE: Seating Charts Made Official at Adventist Churches
ADVENTIST WORLD — For the first time in Adventist history, churches will feature official seating charts. Each member will have an assigned seat, and visitors will be seated at the very front of the sanctuary where the entire congregation can keep an eye on them. General Conference Director of Church Rigidity Mas Reglas pushed back […]
SATIRE: Ellen White Action Figure Tops Adventist Christmas Gift Rankings
Excited Adventists everywhere are carefully wrapping Christmas presents and according to real-time data available from the General Conference Department of Questionable Expenditure, the most gifted item this year is the first-ever Ellen G. White action figure. Produced by the Ellen G. White Estate, an initial production run of 144,000 action figures of the Adventist cofounder […]
SATIRE: Elon Musk Unveils Rockets That Can Get Adventists to Church on Time
HAWTHORNE, California — Billionaire inventor Elon Musk of Tesla and Space X fame has unveiled his boldest project to date: rockets that will get Adventists to church on time. Musk said that the deafening noise of rockets landing on pads outside Adventist homes would dissuade any member from trying to sleep in on Sabbath morning. […]
