AT Lite
SATIRE: Man Who Accidentally Ate Meat on Friday Night Claims He Can Feel His Name Being Erased from Book of Life
In a dramatic turn of events at the Collegedale Corners Adventist Church, local member Brad Thompson claims he can physically feel his name being removed from the Book of Life after accidentally consuming a meat-based spring roll at Friday night vespers. “I knew something was wrong the moment I bit into it,” Thompson reported, while […]
SATIRE: Andrews’ New Automated Student Life Bot Programmed to Say “Just Pray About It” to All Concerns
In a groundbreaking move to modernize student services while cutting costs, Andrews University (AU) has unveiled PRAYR-3000, an artificial intelligence chatbot programmed to handle all student life concerns with a single, spiritually focused response: “Just pray about it.” Revolutionary Technology The sleek, cost-effective system replaces several decades of human experience with a state-of-the-art algorithm that […]
SATIRE: Pastor Convinced Every Transfer Request Is His Fault
Pastor Gerald Meyers of the Pleasant Valley Seventh-day Adventist Church has been harboring a deep, dark secret: he’s absolutely certain that every membership transfer request is a direct result of his pastoral shortcomings. The Revelation The truth came to light when church secretary Martha Wilkins noticed Pastor Meyers conducting detailed sermon autopsies after each transfer […]
SATIRE: Singles Ministry Launches Missionary Dating Recovery Support Group
The North American Division Singles Ministry has announced the launch of a groundbreaking support group aimed at helping Adventists recover from their missionary dating experiences. The program, dubbed “Flirt to Convert No More,” meets weekly in church fellowship halls across the country, where participants share their stories of attempting to evangelize through romance. “I thought […]
SATIRE: Adventist MAGA Fan Delighted to Witness Second Coming
Local Adventist and fervent Trump supporter Walter “End Times” Johnson disrupted his local election night prayer vigil by declaring that the Second Coming had finally arrived during Trump’s victory speech. “The prophecies are fulfilled! The chosen one has returned to bring judgment upon the wicked!” proclaimed Johnson, who had replaced the church’s traditional prophecy charts […]
BREAKING SATIRE: Church Organist Prepares Special Rendition of ‘We Have This Hope’ for Election Night
Martha Pederson, long-time organist at the Echoville First Seventh-day Adventist Church, has announced her plans to perform a groundbreaking arrangement of “We Have This Hope” that she claims will unite divided church members during election night returns. “I’ve incorporated both major and minor keys to represent the nation’s political divide,” explained Pederson, who has served […]
SATIRE: Adventist Claims to Be “Above Politics” While Posting 47 Political Memes During Sabbath Hours
Local church member Bradley Thompson declared himself “completely above worldly political matters” last Sabbath while simultaneously sharing dozens of political memes between sunset Friday and sunset Saturday. “I don’t get involved in politics because my citizenship is in heaven,” Thompson posted at 11:43 PM Friday night, immediately followed by a meme comparing various political candidates […]
SATIRE: Trump Dons High-Vis Vest, Vows to “Clean Up Tremendous Piles of Great Controversy Books From American Cities”
In a dramatic campaign appearance that left Adventist leaders scrambling for response, former President Donald Trump appeared at a Wisconsin rally wearing a fluorescent safety vest and promised to address what he called “a tremendous literature crisis in our beautiful cities.” “Folks, you wouldn’t believe it – these books, these Great Controversy books, they’re everywhere. […]
SATIRE: Local Adventist Finally Admits Cookie Binge Was His Own Fault, Not Satan’s
In a groundbreaking moment of personal accountability, local church member Brad Thompson has publicly acknowledged that his recent demolition of an entire batch of his wife’s freshly baked chocolate chip cookies was, in fact, not the result of satanic temptation. “I’ve spent years blaming the devil for my cookie-related infractions,” Thompson admitted while brushing crumbs […]