SATIRE: ADRA Launches “Reindeer Retraining Program” for Post-Holiday Employment
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — In a groundbreaking initiative that combines compassion with practicality, the Adventist Development and Relief Agency (ADRA) has announced its new “Reindeer Retraining Program” to help Santa’s hardworking sleigh team transition into meaningful employment after the holiday season.
“Every December, these reindeer work tirelessly to deliver joy around the world,” said ADRA spokesperson Holly Jingle. “But come January, they’re left with nothing but idle hooves and existential questions. We felt called to step in.”
The program, which is being piloted at an undisclosed North Pole location, offers reindeer a variety of skill-building workshops. These include Special K Loaf assembly (for catering gigs at Adventist potlucks), Pathfinder logistics training, and even vegetarian cooking classes for those looking to break into the plant-based food industry.
Rudolph, who has reportedly been struggling with burnout after centuries of leading the sleigh team, has already signed up for the program. “I’ve always wanted to work in public relations,” he shared in an exclusive interview. “My nose has been lighting the way for years—it’s time I use it to shine a light on global issues.”
The initiative has sparked a wave of support across Adventist circles, with many church members volunteering to host retrained reindeer in their local communities. However, some critics have raised concerns about potential doctrinal conflicts. “We need to be cautious about associating with anything remotely Santa-related,” said one concerned church elder. “Next thing you know, we’ll have reindeer leading Sabbath School.”
Despite the skepticism, ADRA remains optimistic about the program’s potential impact. “This is about stewardship,” Jingle explained. “We’re not just helping reindeer find jobs; we’re teaching them to live purpose-driven lives beyond Christmas Eve.”
The program’s first graduates are expected to begin their new careers by early February. Rumor has it that Dasher is eyeing a role as a motivational speaker, while Blitzen is considering a position in Adventist aviation ministries.
In true ADRA fashion, the organization is also planning a fundraising campaign to support the initiative. For just $25 a month, donors can sponsor a reindeer’s retraining journey and receive quarterly updates—including photos of their sponsored reindeer learning new skills and adjusting to life outside Santa’s workshop.
As one ADRA official put it: “This isn’t just about reindeer—it’s about redemption.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
