SATIRE: Adventists Everywhere Resolve to Take Up Fasting After Holiday Gluttony
In an unprecedented wave of post-holiday repentance, Adventists worldwide are suddenly discovering a burning passion for fasting that would make Daniel himself proud. The spiritual awakening comes on the heels of what many are calling “The Great Veggie Binge of 2024,” a period of unprecedented indulgence in plant-based holiday fare.
As the dust settles on a Christmas season marked by mountains of veggie lasagna, endless trays of Little Debbie snacks, and industrial quantities of carob treats, Adventists everywhere are grappling with the consequences of their dietary decisions. Church members report feeling “spiritually bloated” and “convicted by the Holy Spirit… and their waistbands.”
“I realized things had gotten out of hand when my FitBit started sending me concerned messages in all caps,” confessed Sarah Lentilson from Loma Linda. “My watch basically held an intervention for me.”
Local Adventist Book Centers report a 500% increase in sales of Ellen White’s Counsels on Diet and Foods, with many members highlighting the chapters on temperance with unprecedented enthusiasm. Pastor Jim Sproutly of the Green Meadows SDA Church has embraced the trend, announcing a new sermon series titled “40 Days of Kale and Prayer.”
“We’re calling it a ‘Daniel Fast’ meets ‘The Biggest Loser,’” Sproutly explained. “It’s time to trim the fat from our bodies and our souls. The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is full of Christmas cookies.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
