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SATIRE: Loma Linda Researchers Claim Pumpkin Pie “Technically a Vegetable”

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In a groundbreaking announcement that has sent shockwaves through the Adventist health community, Loma Linda University (LLU) researchers have declared that pumpkin pie can now be classified as “technically a vegetable.” This unexpected revelation comes just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday, providing a convenient loophole for health-conscious Adventists looking to indulge guilt-free. Dr. Squash […]

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SATIRE: Starbucks Sues Adventist Church for Slandering Caffeine

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SEATTLE, Washington — Starbucks Coffee Company is suing the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists for what it calls “systematic slander of caffeine.” The company claims that Adventist rhetoric against caffeine has robbed the coffee chain of profits in markets around the world. Starbucks spokesperson Max Gittery said that due to the rapid growth of Adventism, […]