SATIRE: Starbucks Sues Adventist Church for Slandering Caffeine

SEATTLE, Washington — Starbucks Coffee Company is suing the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists for what it calls “systematic slander of caffeine.” The company claims that Adventist rhetoric against caffeine has robbed the coffee chain of profits in markets around the world.

Starbucks spokesperson Max Gittery said that due to the rapid growth of Adventism, more and more people are listening to the “supposed” health message of the church and staying away from Starbucks stores.

“Even when we succeed in attracting Adventists to our coffee shops, they are a hassle,” said Gittery. “They slow down business by ordering decaf versions of all our drinks. This backs up our baristas and gets on everyone’s already tense nerves.”

Gittery said that Starbucks stores have particularly suffered at large Adventist events such as General Conference Sessions. “We aren’t even able to serve our decaf products at Adventist events,” said Gittery. “The only way we do any business is serving Adventist rebels that leave their meetings to hunt down nearby stores during meeting breaks.”

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.