John Smith found himself in a hairy situation after accidentally sipping on a cup of caffeinated tea at a community event. The drama unfolded at a neighborhood gathering at Snoozeville SDA, where an unsuspecting volunteer, clearly not up to speed on Adventist beverage protocols, placed a pot of caffeinated tea right next to the decaf […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — The General Conference (GC) has declared a radical rebranding of every Adventist coffee table across the globe. Say goodbye to those nefarious furniture pieces, because, starting now, they’ll all be officially dubbed “Hot Chocolate Tables.” Yes, you read that right! No longer will the shadow of caffeine loom over faithful homes; […]
SEATTLE, Washington — Starbucks Coffee Company is suing the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists for what it calls “systematic slander of caffeine.” The company claims that Adventist rhetoric against caffeine has robbed the coffee chain of profits in markets around the world. Starbucks spokesperson Max Gittery said that due to the rapid growth of Adventism, […]
