SATIRE: Pastor’s Kid Cast as Baby Jesus for 17th Consecutive Year
BERRIEN SPRINGS, Michigan — The annual Christmas nativity play at the Berrien Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church has once again stirred controversy as Pastor Heirloom Parker’s son, 17-year-old Timmy, was cast as Baby Jesus for the 17th consecutive year.
The decision, announced during last Sabbath’s potluck, has raised eyebrows and sparked heated debates over haystacks and Special K loaf.
“I’m not saying there’s nepotism at play here,” said long-time church member Gladys Hornbuckle, 82, while aggressively stirring her cup of Postum. “But you’d think after nearly two decades, they’d let someone else’s kid have a turn at being the Messiah.”
Sources close to the situation report that Timmy, now a strapping 6’2″ high school junior, will once again be swaddled in blankets and placed in the manger, much to the dismay of the church’s structural engineer.
“We’ve had to reinforce the manger every year since Timmy hit puberty,” sighed head deacon Frank Wilkins. “At this rate, we’ll need to use industrial-grade steel by next Christmas.”
When asked about the casting decision, Pastor Parker defended the choice, citing Timmy’s “unparalleled ability to lie still and not cry, just like the song says.” He added, “Plus, he’s got the beard for it now.”
The controversy has led to the formation of two factions within the church: “Team Timmy” and “New Baby Jesus Now.” The latter group has been seen sporting buttons featuring a crossed-out pacifier during fellowship hour.
In response to the growing tension, the church board has proposed a compromise for next year’s nativity: Timmy will play both Baby Jesus and Joseph simultaneously, a feat that will require “exceptional flexibility and the miracle of Christmas,” according to the official statement.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
