SATIRE: FDA Recommends Haystacks as “most balanced meal in America”
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rolled out a new set of recommendations for healthy eating. At the top of its list of recommended meals is what the agency calls “a vegetarian form of taco salad called ‘haystacks’ that is very popular with Seventh-day Adventists.”
In a statement released this morning, the FDA explained its recommendation by calling haystacks “the most balanced meal in America.” The FDA said the heavy presence of vegetables and an endless array of other fresh ingredients provide “a beautiful balancing of carbohydrates, fats, proteins, vitamins, and minerals — as long as you don’t overdo the Fritos.”
The announcement garnered an immediate reaction from the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists (GC).
“We’ve always been big believers in the nutritional value of haystacks but it’s nice to get some external validation,” said GC spokesperson Gopher Sekends. “We haven’t been prouder as a church since Ben Carson first separated Siamese twins.”
He added that as much as the church welcomed the FDA’s endorsement of the Adventist favorite, he could think of other Adventist classics that also should be on the list. “Why stop with haystacks? Special K loaf should be right up there too.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.