AT Lite
SATIRE: Doug Batchelor Launches “Santa Isn’t Real” Tour of Adventist Kindergartens
Adventist kindergarteners around the country have never been more enraged. The source of their anger appears to be famed Adventist evangelist Doug Batchelor, who has launched a whirlwind “Santa isn’t real” tour of schools and churches this December. Batchelor has pledged to eradicate any belief in Santa Claus from the minds of young Adventist kids. […]
SATIRE – Report: Adventists WAY More Productive One Hour Before Friday Sunset
BERRIEN SPRINGS, Michigan — A major study into the lifestyles of Seventh-day Adventists has revealed that per-hour productivity of most church members skyrockets in the hour directly preceding Friday sunset. The research, conducted by the Andrews University Department of Behavioral Sciences, revealed that the firm housecleaning deadline faced by Adventists every Friday sunset inspires a […]
SATIRE: Christian Intimacy Book, “The Adventist Missionary Position,” Hits Shelves
NAMPA, Idaho — In an attempt to counter secular guides to marriage intimacy, Pacific Press has released The Adventist Missionary Position. The publisher bills the book as being “jam-packed with helpful tidbits on the ins and outs of healthy Adventist marriage intimacy.” The volume lays bare secrets of marriage success from Adventist counselors, pastors, and […]
SATIRE: Loma Linda Promotes Food Pyramid Made Up Entirely of Big Franks
Loma Linda, Calif. — Nutritionists at Loma Linda University claiming to have discovered the ideal human diet have revealed a new recommended food pyramid. Instead of the pyramid consisting of different portions of grains, fruits, vegetables and legumes, the whole thing is made up of Big Franks. “Balance is overrated,” said Loma Linda spokesperson Mar […]
SATIRE: Pastors’ Spouses Win Back Pay for Years of Unpaid Labor
FINALLY: The US Supreme Court has ruled to award Adventist pastors’ spouses backpay for all the unpaid work they have done simply because of their marriage to a pastor. In the ruling, the justices specified the backpay should be calculated “right from the very first Sabbath everyone just assumed the pastor’s spouse would run cradle […]
