SATIRE: Researcher Discovers EGW Favored Doritos over Fritos in Haystacks

SILVER SPRING, Maryland —— General Conference (GC) senior leadership rushed into an emergency meeting this morning after a researcher at the White Estate forwarded a memo claiming “irrefutable evidence Ellen White (EGW) thought Doritos were way better than Fritos in haystacks.”

GC leaders are struggling with how to frame the new evidence given the fact they have issued multiple statements and even voted through policy ordaining Fritos as “the only haystacks option” sanctioned by White and Scripture.

Analysts say the new findings could change absolutely everything about the Adventist experience, upending potlucks, Friday night family meals, and school curricula across the Adventist world.

“Nothing will be the same again,” said GC spokesperson Joe Blandness. “This discovery has profound implications for our denomination and its long-treasured haystacks position. We simply aren’t used to being wrong.”

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.