SILVER SPRING, Maryland — In a move hailed as groundbreaking by those nostalgic for the 1980s, the General Conference (GC) has unveiled its latest strategy to spread the Three Angels’ Messages: fax machines.

“While everyone else is distracted by the internet and social media, we’ve decided to take a bold, unprecedented step backwards,” said GC spokesperson Faxwell Printmore. “We believe the humble fax machine is the perfect medium to reach souls in these last days.”

According to sources within the GC, the decision to use fax technology was made after an exhaustive two-week study in a dusty church basement, where researchers stumbled upon an old box of unused fax paper and a vintage Rolodex.

“Our hope is to create a more personal connection,” Printmore explained. “Nothing says ‘urgent message from God’ like the screeching sound of a fax machine spitting out pages at 3 a.m.”

Church members across the globe are being encouraged to dust off their old fax machines and prepare for a deluge of important documents featuring the Three Angels’ Messages, along with the occasional potluck recipe.

Critics argue that this plan might be, well, a bit dated. However, GC officials remain optimistic. “This is just the beginning,” Printmore added. “Next, we’re considering mimeographs, telegrams, and possibly even carrier pigeons.”

Meanwhile, rumors are circulating that the GC tech team is hard at work developing a new app that will allow believers to send urgent prayer requests via Morse code. Stay tuned!

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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