Hopeville, SDA – In news that has sent shivers down the spines of even the most seasoned doomsayers, Hopeville’s beloved “Heavenly Pastries” bakery announced its doors will be closed this coming Sunday. This seemingly innocuous closure, attributed to “family obligations” by owner Brother Jebediah, has ignited a firestorm of speculation and conspiracy theories hotter than […]
SIOUX FALLS, South Dakota — A group of 28 exhausted Adventists has been rescued 24 hours after straying from a popular hiking trail. “We were on a hike that was supposed to serve as training for the time of trouble,” said Rodney Fergusson, Coordinator for the local Run for the Hills chapter. The organization, based […]
by Joni Bell | 4 January 2024 | I’m having a quiet evening sitting by the fireplace reading a good book. I enjoy some Chex-mix while I read. My husband sits near me engrossed in his book, and my kids are quietly studying in their rooms. Then I hear it: a shout outside, a call […]
MAGALIA, California. — Paranoid Adventist Sayns Adatimes, of Magalia, California, spends his time frightening fellow Adventists and random passersby with “indisputable” current events updates that “absolutely prove the Time of Trouble is upon us.” Adatimes has dodged small talk for as long as any longsuffering friend can remember, preferring to assail anyone he meets with […]