SATIRE: Parents Demand Tuition Refund From Southern for Their Unmarried Kids
COLLEGEDALE, Tennessee — Mark and Suzie Robertson, parents of two recent Southern Adventist University graduates, are demanding a full tuition and board refund from the university. “The whole reason we sent Seth and Bethany to Southern was so that they could both get married. All we ever heard about were a few lame banquet dates,” said Mark. “We just wasted a couple hundred grand.”
“What has Adventist education come to when academics, chapel, and athletics take the place of focused courtship?” asked an exasperated Suzie. “Now both our kids are over 22, and who knows if they’ll ever find anyone!”
“As far as I’m concerned, this is classic false advertising,” said Mark. “Southern makes marriage out to be a slam-dunk if you so much as register for a summer session. All those ads featuring clean-cut kids flirting over textbooks on well-mowed lawns are pure lies. We’ve been duped!”
The couple has submitted the request for a refund to the university’s administration. The university says it is currently reviewing the case but has yet to issue a formal reply. “It is unlikely that the Robertsons will receive their refund,” says a source with insider knowledge into the handling of the case. “Southern can provide the environment but nothing’s going to happen unless you actually go on those vespers dates.”
Suzie and Mark Robertson realize that a refund is not going to fix their actual problem. But they have decided to stay optimistic. “There’s always a second chance. We are not giving up. As soon as we get our refund we are putting the money right back into Seth and Bethany’s marriage prospects. Neither of them were pre-med but that doesn’t mean they can’t study something at Loma Linda,” said Suzie. “We hear they have a great dental hygiene program. Hey, maybe they could even score a doctor each if they hang around long enough.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
