Silver Spring, Maryland — In a groundbreaking announcement, the General Conference (GC) has revealed plans to construct a towering skyscraper that will serve as the literal “Highest Authority on Earth.”
The skyscraper, aptly named “The Tower of Compliance,” will soar to unprecedented heights, towering over all other structures in the world. The architectural design reflects the hierarchy of the church, with each floor representing a different level of authority. The higher the floor, the greater the power and control wielded by the individuals who occupy it.
“The Tower of Conformity will be a beacon of uniformity and compliance,” exclaimed one church official. “We want the world to look up and see that the GC is not just figuratively the highest authority, but also quite literally the tallest. Our building will be visible from miles away!”
Naysayers argue that this grandiose project only exacerbates the already damaging effects of authoritarianism within the church. They claim that such a display of power is unnecessary and undermines the core principles of love, freedom, and trust that should guide the Church. However, others have chosen to focus on the cool elevator rides between floors, and how amazing it will be to play power games at dizzying heights.
According to the architectural drawings, the ground floor of the building will be a replica of Noah’s Ark, to symbolize leaders’ preference for sticking to old ways. As one ascends, each floor will showcase a different aspect of Adventist life, from health food stores to vegetarian restaurants to an entire floor dedicated to Pathfinder uniform manufacturing. Rumor has it that the penthouse will even feature a fully functional replica of the Garden of Eden, complete with a talking serpent (which, of course, will be kept on a tight leash).
Adventist skeptics have raised concerns about the practicality of such an endeavor. “I’m all for dreaming big, but this feels like a skyscraper-sized ego trip,” remarked one church member. “Will we need oxygen tanks just to attend committee meetings on the top floor?”
Only time will tell if this monumental endeavor will bring Adventists closer to heaven or simply give them a great view of the parking lot.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.