AT Lite
SATIRE: Church to Introduce Entrance for Introverts – No Greeters
ADVENTIST WORLD – Hot-breath “Happy Sabbaths” and clammy handshakes are turning off introverts that just want to be left alone when they come to church on Sabbath morning. In response the denomination is introducing introvert-friendly side entrances to churches from which greeters are banned. The entrances lead straight to comfortable introvert-only sanctuary seating, bypassing the […]
SATIRE: Loma Linda Researchers Discover Carob Is Still Disgusting
LOMA LINDA, California — Researchers at Loma Linda University have officially confirmed that carob remains about as appetizing as chewing on cardboard, despite its much-touted health benefits. Carob, the bane of many an Adventist child’s existence, has long been pushed as a nutritious chocolate alternative. Boasting a fiber content that could keep you regular for […]
SATIRE – Confirmed: Israelites Wandered for 40 Years Because They Didn’t Have Pathfinders
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — In a statement released this morning, the General Conference (GC) headquarters of the Adventist Church claimed the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years because they hadn’t been introduced to Pathfinder clubs. “If they had only been taught the essential navigation skills available to all who complete the Orienteering honor, […]
SATIRE: Adventist Dog Prays Before Meals, Refuses to Fetch on Sabbath
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — An Adventist family’s dog named Samson has developed some unique habits. The Johnson family of Silver Spring first noticed something was up when Samson began to sit quietly with bowed head before eating his food. “At first we thought he was just sniffing the food intensely,” said owner Jared Johnson. “But […]
SATIRE: New Adventist Board Game “Sabbath Loopholes” Becomes Overnight Sensation
In a surprising turn of events, a new board game called “Sabbath Loopholes” has taken the Adventist world by storm, selling out in record time at ABC stores across the globe. The game challenges players to navigate increasingly complex Sabbath scenarios while finding creative ways to reason through their actions. “We wanted to make Sabbath […]
