The Horrible Discovery
by Melody Tan | 14 August 2024 |
As I write this, I’ve not long returned from a three-week holiday with my son. We had gone to Singapore, country of my birth and where most of my extended family (including my mum) still live.
Compared to Australia, Singapore’s costs for fun activities are significantly lower. And since we were on holidays, our weeks were filled with swims, ten-pin bowling, archery sessions, hitting balls at the golf driving range, and visits to theme parks or tourist attractions.
It sounds lovely . . . except I made a horrible discovery about myself.
Due to work commitments, my husband couldn’t join us on the trip. I was solo parenting and pretty much spent every waking minute with my son. It sounds like a great bonding opportunity . . . unless you tend towards the “extreme” end of introversion.
For context, after the initial months after my son was born, I have always had long stretches of time to myself. I returned to full-time work when my son was eight months old, and since I have the luxury of my own office, I spend many hours a day in just my own company.
Then Singapore happened.
More than 5 million people call Singapore home. It’s a country that has a minuscule area of some 700 square kilometers. Imagine the density of New York City and you’re not far off. There were people everywhere, every time. It was loud, the lights were bright, and I constantly felt jostled. Not to mention the high humidity levels that made me feel permanently sweaty.
Having lived in suburbia Australia for longer than my country of origin, I felt overwhelmed. Add to the fact I was responsible also for a seven-year-old who never stopped talking to me, asking me the same, repeated questions, or requesting something of me, I became overstimulated.
At that point, I didn’t realize what was happening to me. Instead, my patience ran thin. Sentences that came out of me were clipped and sharp. It felt like I was losing my temper every few minutes.
One day, while wracked with guilt (again) at how I was treating my son, I told him how sorry I was for being a cranky mum. His response, so filled with love, acceptance, and forgiveness, generated more guilt, but drove me to want to be a better mum to him.
I never wanted to be a cranky mum. I was going to be the softly speaking, ever-gentle, ever-loving mum. Instead, our recent trip to Singapore caused an ugly version of me to rear its head, and I despised myself for it. I hated myself for so badly treating the most precious person in my life. I loathed myself for speaking so harshly to a child who so badly craves my love and approval.
That night, I promised my son I would do better. After he went to sleep, I pondered why I was so irritable. I came to the realization it was in part due to my innate desire to simply be still and be alone; to not have to answer yet another question, repeat myself, or give an instruction. I needed my mind to stop buzzing. I was an introvert and I just wanted to be left alone.
Serendipitously, I also came across this on social media (original author unknown):
“Can we talk about the fact that moms get overstimulated and it’s mistaken for anger? No, I’m not angry; I’ve heard ‘mom’ 500 times since the minute I woke up, the TV is so loud, the washer is going, noises outside, there’s laundry to fold, my house is a wreck, bills are due, I need gas in my car, there’s crumbs on everything, dishes in the sink, and I can feel it all. I’m not angry. I’m overstimulated and need a minute to myself. Motherhood is exhausting. No matter what, someone always needs you. Go to work, someone needs you; come home, someone needs you; go to sleep, someone needs you; shower time, someone needs you; going to the bathroom, someone needs you. I’m not angry. I’m overstimulated.”
I’m not sharing this as an excuse for my behavior. We should never treat people badly—especially those we love the most—for any reason. But it serves as a way of understanding the situation. It provides a strategy on how to move forward.
Thankfully, with family around, I was able to enlist their “babysitting services” and found some time for myself. After those moments where I was able to retreat to myself or meet up with an old friend who had no expectations of me, I returned to my son refreshed and far more prepared to handle whatever was thrown at me.
Of course, I still got angry for the remainder of our trip to Singapore. However, I’d like to think the episodes were less, and when I did get annoyed, I reacted better than at the start. I recognized my triggers faster and I felt far less resentful. My son wasn’t deliberately pushing my buttons; he wasn’t trying to be annoying. I was simply overstimulated, so it didn’t take much to tip me over the edge, to feel irritated.
It’s a challenge to raise a child when you’re a deep introvert. All children want to connect and for many, their way of connecting can overstimulate an introvert. It’s popular now to advocate for self-care for mums, but we often focus on superficial activities such as spa days, massages, or manicures. Self-care is crucial but it will look different for everybody. For an introverted mum, self-care may simply be a few hours where she’s left alone, undisturbed.
Melody Tan is a freelance writer, content creator, and editor for both print and digital. She is currently the project leader of Mums At The Table, a multimedia initiative aimed at supporting mothers in their parenting journey, through education and community. She and her husband live in Sydney, Australia, with their seven-year-old son.
