SATIRE: Vine Clarifies His New Venture’s “Needle to the Pole” Name NOT an Endorsement of Vaccines
Berrien Springs, Michigan – Dr. Conrad Vine, the outgoing president of Adventist Frontier Missions (AFM), has launched a new ministry called As the Needle to the Pole. But after a flurry of raised eyebrows and frantic WhatsApp chats in Adventist circles, Vine rushed to clarify that the name isn’t a sneaky nod to Pfizer’s latest jab—or any jab at all.
“I’m not here to endorse Moderna, mandates, or anything that comes with a QR code and a side effect list longer than Leviticus,” Vine said in a statement, holding up a dog-eared copy of The Great Controversy for emphasis. “It’s about pointing true north to Jesus, not pointing needles at your arm. Relax, people—I’m still the guy who thinks vaccine clinics are a dry run for Sunday laws.”
His new venture, “As the Needle to the Pole,” will focus on preaching and religious liberty, free from what Vine calls “ecumenical mush, UN agendas, and anything that smells like a booster shot.” The name, he insists, is a metaphor for unwavering faith—like a compass, not a syringe.
Vine told reporters outside Hamilton SDA Church, where he’s set to preach this Sabbath. “If I’d known people would think it’s about vaccines, I’d have gone with ‘As the Haystack to the Potluck’ instead.”
Adventist Twitter—yes, it’s a thing—lit up with reactions. “I thought Conrad was finally caving to Big Pharma,” tweeted @SabbathPrepper69. “Glad he’s still our guy.” Others weren’t so sure. “Needle to the Pole? Sounds like code for a jab passport,” mused @EllenWhiteStan, attaching a blurry photo of a Moderna vial next to Revelation 13:16.
Meanwhile, the AFM Board is scrambling to replace Vine with someone who can match his miracle stories—jungle baptisms, elephant greeters, the works—without triggering a church split over vaccination status. “We just need a leader who loves Jesus and doesn’t turn every board meeting into a debate about spike proteins,” sighed one member, sipping carob milk to steady their nerves.
Vine, for his part, is forging ahead. His new 501(c)(3) website drops in weeks, promising sermons on liberty and maybe a downloadable chart linking the little horn to Bill Gates.
Image: YouTube – Village Seventh-day Adventist Church
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
