SATIRE: 9 Things Adventists Get Wrong
Even a movement rooted in truth has blind spots. Here’s where Adventism might be missing the mark.
1. Vegan Diets as Holiness Metrics
Our plant-based lifestyle might lower cholesterol, but equating kale smoothies with spiritual superiority? Please. The original health message emphasized stewardship, not judging cheese-lovers while inhaling coconut ice cream by the pint.
2. Sabbath Naps Over Service
Sleeping through Sabbath afternoon isn’t piety—it’s a missed chance to do good. Jesus healed on Sabbath; maybe we could at least walk the dog.
3. Prophetic Certainty Blinders
Those 1844 charts are meticulous, but history shows even the best interpreters miss the point. Remember those waiting for a warrior-Messiah? They crucified Him instead.
4. Cultural Preferences as Gospel
Newsflash: Using drums in worship won’t summon Babylon. The Israelites literally had a cymbal section. Save the outrage for things that matter—like actual sin.
5. Remnant Identity Exclusivity
Thinking we’re God’s only fan club? The “remnant” isn’t a VIP lounge—it’s a call to humility. Don’t expect an “Adventists Only” policy in heaven.
6. Ellen White as Catch-All Authority
She never opined on air fryers or TikTok. Using her to shame yoga pants? That’s not faithfulness—it’s spiritual gymnastics.
7. Worship Style Dogmatism
Arguing over hymns vs. Hillsong? The early church had zero ukuleles, yet managed revival.
8. Interfaith Suspicion
Other Christians aren’t “Babylon Lite.” Let’s give the Body of Christ the benefit of the doubt.
9. Committee Meetings as Divine Mandate
Three hours debating carpet color ≠ Holy Spirit guidance. Sometimes it’s just bad time management.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
