SATIRE: New AI Algorithm Calculates Exact Distance Between Theater and Hell
In a groundbreaking development that has Adventist mathematicians buzzing, researchers at the General Conference’s newly established Department of Digital Righteousness claim to have developed an AI algorithm that can precisely calculate the spiritual distance between any entertainment venue and hell.
The Revolutionary Algorithm
The state-of-the-art program, dubbed “SinSpace Calculator 3000,” uses advanced machine learning to analyze variables including screen size, ticket prices, and popcorn butter content to generate exact measurements in “salvation units.” The algorithm reportedly factors in misinterpreted Ellen White quotes with a precision previously thought impossible.
Key Features
The software includes several revolutionary capabilities:
- Real-time spiritual danger assessments
- Automatic detection of dancing scenes
- Built-in jewelry radar
Competitive movie theater rankings by proximity to perdition
Early Results
Initial testing has produced some surprising findings. The distance appears to decrease significantly during Friday night showings, while matinees show marginally better readings. IMAX theaters, contrary to popular belief, actually registered slightly safer distances due to their educational documentary offerings.
Church Response
“This is exactly what we’ve been praying for,” declared Elder Wilbur Worthington, chair of the Committee on Theater Proximity Concerns. “Now we can finally move beyond subjective opinions and have hard data about exactly how many steps away from salvation our youth are when they attend the latest superhero movie.”
Future Applications
The development team is already working on expanding the algorithm to calculate hell-proximity metrics for other activities, including:
- Questioning General Conference dictates
- Coffee consumption
- Eating the last Big Frank
The program is expected to be mandatory in all Adventist institutions by next quarter, with a special smartphone app allowing members to check their spiritual coordinates in real-time.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
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