SILVER SPRING, Maryland — General Conference (GC) officials have been working hard to offer some form of concession to placate advocates of women’s ordination who were bitterly disappointed by the GC San Antonio “No” vote on the issue. Although the vote result means that regionally approved women’s ordination for pastoral ministry is not sanctioned by the world church, the General Conference has pledged wholehearted support for the ordination of women as housewives.
“We don’t even need a vote to greenlight this one,” said newly elected GC Director of Status Quo Maintenance Stan Stihl. “We are absolutely certain that Adventist power brokers around the world will gladly give their blessing to the practice of the ordination of women as housewives.”
Expressing full confidence that the egos of aging male leaders would remain fully intact should this “reasonable form of ordination” be introduced, Stihl expressed hope that the practice would satisfy “the equality agitators.”
Stihl stressed that unlike uppity attempts to ordain women for the ministry, giving women the full responsibilities of being housewives “has a convincing, international and historical precedent” and would therefore cause far less friction between brethren if introduced as formal policy worldwide.
“Ordaining Adventist women as housewives will simply keep a good thing going,” said Stihl. “Whether or not they work outside the household, Adventist women are excellent housekeepers. Ordination will just give the whole arrangement some gravitas so things don’t change.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.