SILVER SPRING, Maryland — In an effort to more tightly articulate acceptable Sabbath-keeping practices, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists (GC) has released a new maximum depth of water through which members can wade on Sabbath afternoon walks without being in danger of doing their own pleasure.

While previously church guidelines had set the maximum water level at “roughly knee height,” GC Sabbath Observance Inspector Tama Na said that a new maximum water level of 28 inches would be set as the golden standard for all Adventists, “regardless of how highset individual members claim their kneecaps to be.”

While concerned members of the Adventist Society for Pharisaical Thought responded that 28 inches of water still allowed a “swimmable depth for children and exceptionally creative adults,” the GC said that the new standard would eliminate the need for too much personal interpretation of biblical Sabbath observance in the 21st century.

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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