SATIRE: Tone-deaf Special Music Soloist Strikes Fear Into Hearts of Church Members as He Promises to Sing for Third Sabbath in a Row
Chalkboard, Michigan — Members of Flat Note Seventh-day Adventist Church are bracing themselves for yet another special music by their tone-deaf soloist (and only willing special music provider) Frank Boomer, who has been known to belt out off-key notes and miss entire verses. As soon as he wrapped his second consecutive special music last Sabbath, Boomer cheerfully announced he’d be back this coming Sabbath with something “even more special.”
Boomer’s long-suffering fellow church members cringe at the mere mention of his name, and whispers of dread can be heard as Sabbath draws near. It’s not that they don’t appreciate the effort, but his vocal range seems to be more of a straight line than a curve.
“Last Sabbath, I had to cover my ears and pretend I was deep in prayer,” says one member. “It was like a dentist’s drill in my ear canal.”
Boomer, however, seems to be blissfully unaware of the distress he is causing. “I just love singing for the Lord and bringing joy to people’s hearts,” he says. “Besides, the Bible says to make a joyful noise, right?”
Only time will tell if Boomer will continue to strike fear into the hearts of church members, or if he will take a hint from the church bulletin announcement about free earplugs and retire his musical career for the greater good of the congregation.
In the meantime, members are taking steps to prepare for the third special music selection by brainstorming reasons to be late to church and mentally preparing themselves for the worst.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.