SATIRE: Adventist University Admissions Criteria to Include Academics
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — The Adventist Accrediting Association has decided to require minimum academic requirements of students applying to Adventist universities. The historic move is sure to strike fear into the hearts of academy students hoping to attend Adventist universities this fall.
In a statement titled “We Are More than Glorified Academies,” US-based Adventist universities have announced that new student applicants to each institution will be required to be “at least vaguely literate” and that no school will accept anything below a 0.5 GPA.
“Used to be, we just had applicants sign a slip that said they promised to pay tuition and avoid cow-tipping,” said an enrollment officer speaking under the condition of anonymity. “I don’t know how we are going to recruit new students to our schools with these harsh new academic standards.”
Students that are already enrolled at Adventist universities are safe for now, although administrators are toying with the idea of a strict ban on pillows in class.
Common consensus among analysts is that Adventist universities are struggling to shake their image of being the least challenging schools in America. Although she claims the schools have financially benefited from a steady stream of academically challenged students over the years, Sally Rembrandt of the North American Division Education Department said that having a reputation for easy A’s isn’t a long-term strategy for Adventist higher education.
“As much as most students at our schools have historically begged to differ, college really is supposed to be about learning,” said Rembrandt.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
