In an impassioned call to delegates at a recent church leadership meeting, Ned Olsen called for everyone to cease discussion, embrace “unity,” and vote conscientiously according to his views as “The Lord’s Anointed.”

“It’s just easier that way.” said Olsen, “This way I don’t have to fire anyone.”

The leader said that to make things even easier, anyone that disagreed with him in the slightest should “just fire themselves so we don’t have to go through the trouble and considerable expense of a witch hunt.”

If anyone dared challenge his views, Olsen pressed a button causing the seats of the entire auditorium to shake vigorously, saying that dissenters were causing the “shaking of Adventism.”

This view itself was briefly challenged by a few brave delegates but Olsen kept pressing the button whenever his opponents voiced their views.

Eventually, delegates were too overcome by motion sickness and/or whiplash to protest further and opted instead to quietly vomit into their complimentary meeting bags until adjournment.

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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