AT Lite
SATIRE: PUC Housekeeping: Please Flush, La Sierra Needs the Water
ANGWIN, California — Tensions are at an all-time high between Northern California’s Pacific Union College (PUC) and its sister institution to the south, La Sierra University. The firestarter for this most recent spat between the two highly competitive Adventist schools was a cleanliness campaign initiated by PUC’s Housekeeping Department. Yesterday, signs were put in every […]
SATIRE: Raising Hands in Worship Identified as Adventist Unpardonable Sin
ADVENTIST WORLD — Raising hands in worship has always been taboo in Adventist circles. The practice has now been elevated to the unenviable status of “Adventist unpardonable sin” by theologians at the General Conference’s Biblical Research Institute (BRI). Hand raising narrowly beat out stealing the pastor’s parking spot and excessive pew whispering for the worst […]
SATIRE: Global “Pray for Hotter Men in Church Sabbath” Announced
ADVENTIST WORLD — Next Saturday has been designated Global Pray for Hotter Single Men at Church Sabbath. The special designation comes after decades of complaints that single men at church arrive on Sabbath mornings looking like they just rolled out of bed and believe Ellen White forbade shaving. “The beauty differential between single men and […]
SATIRE: GC Mistakenly Sends Out Second Coming Alert
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — A virtual thunderbolt struck Adventism today as the General Conference (GC) headquarters of the church sent out a push notification to members’ phones announcing the Second Coming. The announcement delighted some members and absolutely horrified others. Adventist hospitals, schools, and Little Debbie’s factories came to an immediate standstill as employees dropped […]
SATIRE: Supreme Court to Rule on Whether Loma Linda Is “More Adventist” than Berrien Springs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A question that has been burning in the minds of thousands of Adventists for decades may finally be answered this year: Is Loma Linda more Adventist than Berrien Springs?” As Adventists themselves have been entirely unable to make up their minds, the United States Supreme Court has offered to rule on the […]
SATIRE: Southern Closes After Cafeteria Accidentally Serves Bacon Instead of Stripples
COLLEGEDALE, Tennessee — In what administrators admit constitutes an unpardonable sin for an Adventist institution, Southern Adventist University disclosed today that bacon strips had been served to students instead of Stripples. “The two food products look remarkably similar,” said Southern spokesperson Lechon Diba to a large gathering of reporters, adding that Southern’s theologians had immediately […]
