ADVENTIST WORLD — Next Saturday has been designated Global Pray for Hotter Single Men at Church Sabbath. The special designation comes after decades of complaints that single men at church arrive on Sabbath mornings looking like they just rolled out of bed and believe Ellen White forbade shaving.
“The beauty differential between single men and women in the Adventist church is staggering,” said Andrews University sociologist Masguapo Porfa, saying that good-looking Adventist women outnumber presentable men by apocalyptic proportions.
“It’s gotten to the point where the mere fact that an Adventist single guy remembered to shower and doesn’t move his lips when he reads qualifies him as the local Prince Harry,” said Porfa, insisting that basic male grooming tips should be included as an insert in every Adventist church bulletin.
In addition to providing available single men with grooming tips, the denomination will collect a special offering on Pray for Hotter Single Men at Church Sabbath which will finance evangelism efforts aimed at single males that can match a tie to a shirt.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.