SATIRE – An Interview with GC President Ted Wilson
In a surprising turn of events, BarelyAdventist (BA) managed to secure an exclusive interview with General Conference (GC) president Ted Wilson over the weekend. We’re still not sure how we pulled it off, but we suspect it might have something to do with our strategic placement of Little Debbie snacks.
Here’s how it went:
BA: What’s your next Annual Council sermon going to be on?
Wilson: Good question. The question correctly assumes I’ll be re-elected this summer. I’m going to keep you in suspense on the topic.
BA: What’s going to be the next fundamental belief?
Wilson: We’re strongly considering “Thou shalt not question the GC president.” It’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Plus, it’ll make Annual Council meetings go much smoother.
BA: What would you do if you were stuck with the pope in an elevator?
Wilson: I’d use the opportunity to hand out some Great Controversy tracts, of course. And maybe suggest he try our superior vegetarian options at the next Vatican potluck.
BA: If you could remove anyone from church leadership, who would it be?
Wilson: Now, now, let’s not get hasty. But if you see any outed coffee drinkers, let me know. We have a lovely “early retirement” package waiting for them.
BA: Fritos or nachos in certain layered bean dishes?
Wilson: Fritos, absolutely. There should be a compliance committee for that alone. Using nachos is a slippery slope to full-blown apostasy.
BA: Should anyone go to La Sierra University?
Wilson: Only if they want to learn how to spell “theistic evolution” correctly. But why go there when you can memorize The Great Controversy instead?
BA: Have you ever been caught in a Starbucks?
Wilson: Absolutely not. I get my energy from the Holy Spirit and an occasional Postum. Anything else would be grounds for dismissal.
BA: Have you thought about renaming Annual Council to “Ted Talks”?
Wilson: I like the way you think. Let’s put it to a vote – I’m sure it’ll pass by an overwhelming majority. It’s about time we modernized our branding.
BA: Why won’t you talk to independent Adventist media?
Wilson: Because last I checked, Ellen White didn’t mention Adventist Today or Spectrum in her writings. If it’s not in the Spirit of Prophecy, it doesn’t exist.
BA: Ever heard of term limits?
Wilson: Term limits? Those are for people who lack vision. I prefer to think of my position as a divine appointment – sort of like a modern-day Joshua. Besides, who else is going to keep the church on the straight and narrow path? It’s a burden I’m willing to bear indefinitely.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.