SATIRE: Weimar Campus Security Arrests Salt Smuggler
Campus security at Weimar University made headlines today after apprehending a first-year student attempting to smuggle table salt into the cafeteria during lunch hour. The contraband sodium chloride was discovered hidden in an elaborate false bottom of a seemingly innocent water bottle.
“We’ve been tracking this salt ring for weeks,” said Chief of Campus Security, who wishes to remain anonymous to continue his undercover work monitoring the underground pepper trade. “This is just the tip of the salt shaker.”
The student, caught red-handed during the institution’s strictly enforced salt-free “Daniel’s Diet” week, reportedly tried to make a dash for it, leaving a trail of iodized evidence behind. Several witnesses claim they heard the perpetrator yell, “You can take my salt, but you’ll never take my freedom!” before being peacefully detained.
The subsequent search of the student’s dorm room revealed a sophisticated salt operation, including:
• Multiple empty salt shakers
• A dog-eared copy of Salt: A World History
• A manifesto titled “In Defense of Sodium”
Campus administration has responded by implementing mandatory taste bud checks at all cafeteria entrances and introducing a new course: “Ellen White’s Views on Condiments: A Deep Dive.”
The case has been referred to the Student Life Committee, where the maximum penalty could include three weeks of kitchen duty preparing unseasoned tofu.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
