SATIRE: Adventist School Bans Rainbows in Science Class to Avoid “Unintended Theological Statements”
Covenant Hills Adventist Academy has officially banned the display, discussion, or creation of rainbows in all science classes. This unprecedented decision was made to prevent what school officials describe as “unintended theological statements” and to avoid any potential confusion regarding LGBTQ+ interpretations of the colorful phenomenon.
Principal Ezra Drysdust elaborated on the reasoning behind the policy: “While we appreciate God’s covenant with Noah, we can’t risk our students’ mistaking scientific phenomena for political statements. After all, a rainbow might just lead them down a slippery slope towards questioning our traditional values.”
The ban has prompted some creative adjustments in the school’s curriculum. Physics teacher Dr. Prism Spectrum has resorted to using a strictly monochrome color palette in her optics lessons, while the art department has been instructed to embrace a beige-and-taupe aesthetic—because who needs vibrant colors when you have *God’s neutral blessings*?
Not everyone is on board with this new rainbow-free approach. Junior high student Iris Roy expressed her frustration: “I was really excited about our unit on light dispersion. Now we’re just learning about ‘God’s grayscale promises.’ It’s not quite as inspiring.”
The school’s meteorology club has also been hit hard by the ban. Club president Nimbus Cumulus lamented, “We used to chase storms hoping to spot a double rainbow. Now we just point at the sky and say, ‘Look, another beautiful arc of divine promises that shall not be named.’”
In an additional layer of absurdity, the cafeteria has removed Skittles from vending machines due to their “Taste the Rainbow” slogan. Students are now encouraged to enjoy “theologically neutral flavor options” instead.
As news of the ban spreads, other Adventist institutions are taking note. Ever the Adventist innovator, 3ABN is considering transitioning to black-and-white broadcasting.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
