Timothy, who has faithfully served as his church’s youth pastor for over a decade, is lamenting his earthly situation and wishing for some tangible benefits to go along with his eternal rewards.
“I mean, I love the Lord and all, but when my car breaks down, the mechanic doesn’t take ‘spiritual blessings in heaven’ as payment,” Timothy grumbled while staring at a recent payslip. “I’d just like a little more on my paycheck. Maybe dental insurance? Is that too much to ask for?”
The church members, ever zealous in their commitment to thriftiness, have consistently reassured Timothy with well-intentioned advice. Sister Gertrude Blessing, renowned for her legendary “Great Depression-era savings plan,” advised Timothy, “Why don’t you plant a garden, my dear? It’s such a blessing to eat homegrown veggies, and it’s a great way to save money.”
Brother Enoch Pennywise chimed in, “You know, Timothy, my father told me that the true wealth of an Adventist lies in his emergency store of canned food, not in his bank account.”
Feeling the pressure to follow their advice, Timothy attempted to grow his own vegetables, but the local deer population quickly declared an all-you-can-eat buffet in his garden, and the canned food he attempted to store in his closet resulted in an impromptu pantry avalanche.
“I’m starting to think that heaven is just a way for the church to get away with paying us peanuts,” the youth pastor said. “I mean, seriously, how am I supposed to pay my bills if my treasure is all up in the sky?”
The pastor’s complaints have also sparked a debate within the Adventist community about the church’s priorities. Some Adventists argue that the church should be spending more money on its employees and less money on things like expensive new buildings and world missions.
“We need to take care of our own people before we start going out and trying to save the world,” said one Adventist layman.
“I work long hours, I deal with difficult teenagers all day, and I still can’t afford to buy a house,” said Timothy. “Meanwhile, even the Plan B PowerPoint guy is driving around in a new Mercedes.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.