SATIRE: SWAT Team Frees Trapped Adventists from Altar Call

ATRAPADO, Fla. — Minutes ago, 250 souls were freed from Atrapado Lane Adventist Church by a SWAT team.

The rescue mission took place after news that a visiting preacher’s altar call had gone on for more than an hour.

“The guy just kept asking for one more commitment,” said an exhausted deacon, as medics swarmed around his stretcher. “And he wouldn’t stop even after the stage was full of volunteers.”

Another freed captive told investigators that the congregation had sung “what felt like every song in the hymn book” before the SWAT team got here.

The visiting preacher was unrepentant. Before being hauled off in a police van, he could be heard offering the arresting officer GLOW tracts and vegetarian cooking classes.

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.