SATIRE: Study Finds Church “All Welcome” Signs Include Fine Print About Dress Code
BERRIEN SPRINGS, Michigan – An Andrews University study has revealed that the majority of the ubiquitous “All Are Welcome” signs adorning church entrances across the denomination come with some pointed caveats.
The research, led by Dr. Ima Stickler from the Andrews seminary’s Department of First Impressions, found that a staggering 87% of these seemingly inclusive banners contain microscopic fine print detailing an extensive dress code.
“We discovered that what appeared to be a straightforward message of acceptance was, in fact, a legally binding contract regarding appropriate Sabbath attire,” Dr. Stickler explained.
Upon closer inspection, the fine print on the majority of these signs includes such stipulations as:
– No sleeveless tops (unless you’re under 5 or over 95)
– Skirts must be long enough to cover your knees
– Ties are highly suggested for men (clip-ons accepted for those under 12)
– No tight clothing of any kind for ANYONE
The study found that 63% of the signs also included a clause stating, “Wearing of excessive jewelry may result in spontaneous removal by roving deaconesses.”
The study has sparked a heated debate within the Adventist community, with some arguing that the dress code is essential for maintaining a reverent atmosphere, while others suggest that perhaps God is more concerned with the content of one’s character than the length of one’s hemline.
When reached for comment, Elder I.M. Proper, chair of the Michigan Conference’s Committee on Appropriate Appearances, defended the practice. “We believe in welcoming all people, as long as ‘all people’ dress exactly as we think Jesus would if He were a middle-class American in 1955.”
In response to the controversy, some more conscientious Adventist churches have announced plans to replace their “All Are Welcome” signs with more accurate messages such as “Come As You Are (But Maybe Bring a Cardigan Just in Case).”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
