SATIRE: Nobody Wants to Hear Returning Missionary’s Stories
LOMA LINDA, California — Caleb Westerfielderson had spent the last two years serving as a missionary in a remote village in Papua New Guinea. Armed with his well-highlighted Bible, a suitcase full of Glow Tracts, and an unquenchable zeal for spreading the Adventist message, he was ready to convert the entire village to teetotaling, Sabbath-keeping, haystacks-loving disciples of the Lord.
After two long years of subsisting on a diet of cold veggie taro and sacrificing modern amenities such as air conditioning and Wi-Fi, Caleb was finally returning home to Loma Linda, California. He couldn’t wait to regale his friends and family with stories of his triumphs over the heathens and their strange customs.
However, much to Caleb’s dismay, nobody seemed particularly interested in hearing about his adventures. Whenever he tried to launch into a riveting tale about that time he caught a massive snake trying to slither into the village church on Sabbath, or how he’d single-handedly converted the village chief by challenging him to a Bible-bashing contest, people’s eyes would glaze over, and they’d quickly change the subject.
“That’s nice, Caleb,” his mother said with a polite smile as he attempted to describe the intricacies of performing an authentic Papuan mumu ritual. “Why don’t you tell us about the new health food store that just opened up near the church instead?”
Even his best friend, Todd, who had been his loyal partner in critiquing the questionable jewelry choices and listening habits of the kids at Adventist youth camp, seemed utterly disinterested in Caleb’s missionary tales.
“Dude, you’ve got to hear about this crazy new K-drama I’ve been watching,” Todd said, cutting Caleb off mid-story about negotiating a peace treaty between two warring villages. “It’s about this forbidden love between a wealthy surgeon and a humble—”
Caleb sighed, resigning himself to the fact that nobody in his sheltered Adventist community could possibly appreciate the profound cultural experiences he’d amassed in the deepest jungles of Papua New Guinea. He quietly admitted to himself that he would not be the next Eric B Hare.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
