“Adventist television just got spicier,” said Hope Channel spokesperson Brad Curtis as he unveiled the channel’s plan to introduce Hope for Everyone, an Adventist version of the the reality show The Bachelorette.
“Romance after college graduation is complicated,” said Curtis. “It’s easy to get discouraged and think that you’re never going to find an Adventist to marry. This show is about creating a catalyst to spark dating among Adventists after they leave school.”
Following in the steps of The Bachelorette, the Adventist version will feature 26-year-old nurse practitioner and Orlando native Elle Brown, a highly eligible young woman, and a pool of 25 male romantic interests who will compete for her attention.
A sneak preview of some of the male contestants featured their best pick-up lines:
“God told me we should be together,” whispered Atlanta-based recent theology graduate Tom Stewart, with an earnest smile.
“There’s no one I’d rather lock eyes with across a crowded Fellowship Hall,” breathed Dave Birmingham, owner of a used bookstore in Nashville.
“Marry me and we’ll live out the Song of Solomon,” said New Yorker Fred Baker, with a creepy wink.
“I want to father your Pathfinders,” declared a passionate George Harter from San Diego.
At least one of the male contestants will be eliminated each week of the season until the final suitor left proposes to Elle with a beautiful, yet understated, watch in the finale. As a consolation prize, rejected males will be given a complimentary one-year pass to the Adventist dating site of their choice.
“Don’t worry, we have kept everything family-friendly,” assured Curtis, as he promoted the series. “All dates between Elle and her suitors are in highly appropriate settings – front-row vespers pews; potlucks featuring bright, cafeteria-style lighting; well-trafficked nature trails.”
Curtis assured Hope Channel viewers that there would be no steamy physical contact on the show. “We’ve kissed kissing goodbye for this series,” he said. “Physical contact is limited to gentle handshakes and, if the chemistry is right, lingering high-fives.”
Since news of the show broke, hordes of young adults have joined their grandparents for marathon Hope Channel sessions. “I can’t believe this is happening,” said 21-year-old Andrea Blake, a recent Hope Channel convert. “I hope they do an Adventist version of The Bachelor next. I know I would rock that.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.