SATIRE: GC to Decide If Pets Go to Heaven
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — A special all-male committee of General Conference (GC) executives has been asked to write a position statement on whether pets get to go to heaven.
Although the Bible will be consulted, committee members have been instructed to be careful to respect the majority consensus as dictated by world regions that can most effectively sway GC session votes.
“Biblical truth on a matter is best determined by how powerful voting blocs read man-made culture into ancient texts while claiming to follow the Bible as it reads,” said the directive to the new committee.
The eternal destiny of pets will be revealed at the next GC session. All union presidents will be required to sign a declaration of confidence in the official position unless they want to be relegated to dog-walking duties in GC Session parking lots whenever agenda items are put to a vote.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.