SATIRE: GC Relieved Male Is Back on Throne

SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Despite the unfortunate fact King Charles III was crowned on Sabbath, General Conference leaders (GC) breathed a collective sigh of relief to have a male on the British throne again.

“Having a female as UK monarch for so long was not great for our efforts to keep ordination male-only,” read an internal GC memo. “And it didn’t help that she was as popular as Sabbath haystacks.”

The memo encouraged GC staffers to celebrate the long-awaited return of male dominance by organizing a special event called “The Great Patriarchal Gala.” Attendees were instructed to don their most regal attire and sing the following brand-new additions to the hymnal:

“Throne of Patriarchs”

“Majestic Masculinity”

“In His Image, Men Shall Lead”

“Kingdom Reign: Men’s Divine Campaign”

and

“Harmony of Hierarchy”

In response, a group of progressive Adventists held a “Gender Equality Tea Party” outside the General Conference headquarters. Attendees sipped tea from cups with messages including “EqualiTEA,” “Dethroning Patriarchy,” and “Ellen was female.”

Image: HUGO BURNAND/ROYAL HOUSEHOLD 2023

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.