Underworld sources have confirmed that the Devil himself is beaming with pride over his impressive church board attendance record.
According to Lucifer’s spokesperson, Beelzebob, the Evil One has been diligently attending church board meetings for decades, all while maintaining his notorious reputation in the world of temptation and sin. “Satan has a perfect attendance record at these meetings,” Beelzebob proclaimed. “He never misses a single one, and he’s always early!”
Rumors suggest that Satan initially joined the church board as a strategic move to make sure the meetings stayed as long and excruciatingly boring as possible.
The devil also keeps an eye on potential recruits, and has more recently immersed himself in the intricacies of church management. “He’s become quite the expert on parliamentary procedure and budget allocations,” Beelzebob revealed. “It’s almost as if he has a second calling.”
“Satan is always prepared and comes up with the most devilishly creative ideas for church fight starters,” revealed Beelzebob. “He will personally see to it that nobody can agree on the color of the new church carpet, for example, and he’ll make sure people get really emotional as they argue about shades of beige.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.