ADVENTIST WORLD – Hot-breath “Happy Sabbaths” and clammy handshakes are turning off introverts that just want to be left alone when they come to church on Sabbath morning.

In response the denomination is introducing introvert-friendly side entrances to churches from which greeters are banned.

The entrances lead straight to comfortable introvert-only sanctuary seating, bypassing the lobby and its hordes of chatty deacons with nothing better to do than quiz you on the details of your life you’d rather they not be privy to.

Introvert seating allows pew occupants to completely ignore worship leaders that enthusiastically order everyone to “turn to their left and tell your neighbor what you had for breakfast.”

Of the introverts surveyed before publication time, most approved of the new provisions, although some pointed out that no measures have been taken to shield introverts from loudmouths in potluck lines.

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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