SATIRE: Church Sound Team Adds Subliminal “Tithe Now” Message to Hymn Instrumentals
In a groundbreaking stewardship initiative, the sound team at Oakridge Seventh-day Adventist Church has reportedly embedded subliminal messages into their instrumental hymn tracks, causing an unexpected surge in tithe returns and very confused first-time visitors.
The tech-savvy sound team discovered they could layer barely audible “tithe now” messages between verses of “We Give Thee But Thine Own” and other stewardship-themed hymns. The subliminal messaging reportedly becomes more intense during offering collection, with whispered phrases such as “God loves a cheerful giver” and “Remember your year-end tax deduction” subtly woven into the musical interludes.
The church treasurer reports that tithe returns have mysteriously increased by 47% since the implementation. Several members have been caught sleepwalking to the treasury office at midnight, while the children’s choir now unconsciously chants “faithful stewardship” during their water breaks. Most concerning, several deacons have developed an unexplained compulsion to carry offering plates everywhere they go, including to the grocery store and their children’s soccer games.
When questioned about the ethical implications, the head sound technician defended the practice: “Ellen White never specifically condemned subliminal messaging in church music. Besides, we’re just using modern technology to enhance the spirit of giving.”
The conference administration has expressed interest in implementing this system conference-wide, though they prefer to call it “Spirit-enhanced audio ministry.” They’ve already commissioned a new hymnal edition with special frequencies only Adventist ears can detect.
Meanwhile, the church organist has filed a formal complaint after discovering her instrument was programmed to play “We Give Thee But Thine Own” regardless of which keys she pressed.
Update
The program has been temporarily suspended after several members started automatically reaching for their wallets whenever they heard any kind of instrumental music, including car horns and ice cream trucks. One member reportedly tried to stuff a twenty-dollar bill into a stranger’s car stereo.
The church board is now considering a less aggressive approach, though the sound team insists their next project – embedding the entire 28 fundamental beliefs into the pre-service ambient music – is already too far along to cancel.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
