SATIRE: Adventist Veggie Meat Alternatives Now 100% Indistinguishable From Cardboard
LOMA LINDA, California – NEWSTART Foods announced today that after years of research and development, their line of vegetarian meat substitutes has achieved complete parity with cardboard in terms of taste, texture, and nutritional value.
The company’s new ultra-realistic “Thick-Cut Cardboard Steaks” are the culmination of over 50 years spent perfecting the art of making plant-based proteins utterly indistinguishable from paper pulp and wood byproducts.
“For decades, our customers have complained that our meatless meats still had slightly more flavor than cardboard boxes and packing materials,” said NEWSTART CEO Ronald McDonald. “Well, those days are over. Our new products have finally nailed that highly-coveted sawdust-and-paper mache essence.”
In blind taste tests, participants were unable to differentiate NEWSTART’s new Cardboard Nuggets from actual pieces of cardboard. The company views this as a major breakthrough.
“We’re thrilled that we’ve replicated the complete joyless experience of masticating corrugated fiberboard,” said head researcher Cardi B. Boren. “From the first flavorless, drywall-like bite to the last clump of insoluble pulp, it’s 100% cardboard bliss.”
The new line includes Cardboard Riblets, Cardboard Tenders, and Cardboard Crumbles for use in tacos and burritos. NEWSTART has also developed a new line of condiments made from sawdust, wood glue, and printer toner to complete the full cardboard dining experience.
Some critics argue the new products are overpriced for mere cardboard. But McDonald dismissed those concerns: “Hey, at least with our products you’re getting zero cholesterol and all the taste of packing peanuts. It’s a miracle of modern science!”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.