SATIRE: Adventist Baby’s First Words: “Happy Sabbath!”
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — In a display of spiritual precocity, 6-month-old Jedediah Remnant stunned his parents and pediatrician by uttering the words “Happy Sabbath!” as his very first words.
The auspicious occasion occurred last Saturday morning as little Jedediah’s parents, Ezekiel and Prudence Remnant, were dressing him in his tiny suit for church.
“He just looked up at us with those big innocent eyes, grinned that gummy grin, and clear as day said ‘Happy Sabbath!’” marveled Prudence. “Ezekiel and I were so shocked, we almost forgot to put his clip-on tie on him before leaving for the sanctuary.”
Pediatrician Dr. Hazel Nutt, who has cared for generations of Adventist babies, declared it a miracle. “In all my years, I’ve never witnessed an infant expressing such an advanced understanding of the 28 Fundamental Beliefs,” she marveled. “Usually we’re thrilled if they babble ‘Haystacks’ or ‘Little Debbie’ by their first birthday.”
The Remnants have wasted no time enrolling Jedediah in Sabbath School Cradle Roll, Adventurers Club, and Pathfinders. They’ve also bought him his first quarterly lesson study, a Sabbath activity quiet book, and a CD of Heritage Singers lullabies.
“We just feel so blessed,” beamed Ezekiel. “To think, the Lord chose our precious baby to bear such an important message to the world. It’s like that Scripture says, ‘And a little child shall lead them… to potluck.’”
At publishing time, baby Jedediah had expanded his vocabulary to include the phrases “Maranatha,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Is it vegan?”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
