SATIRE: A Used Pathfinder Sash, and Other Presents for Adventists with Inconvenient January Birthdays
Wallet still recovering from Christmas? Fear not! Here’s a list of budget-friendly gifts for the Adventist in your life who had the audacity to be born in January:
A Used Pathfinder Sash
Nothing says “I care” quite like a hand-me-down symbol of achievement. This gently used Pathfinder sash comes complete with a variety of badges, each telling a story of outdoor adventures and spiritual growth. Who cares if the “Knot Tying” badge is slightly frayed or the “Camping” patch smells faintly of last summer’s mosquito repellent? It’s the thought that counts, and the thought here is clearly “reduce, reuse, recycle.”
LA Vintage Ellen White Devotional
Why settle for a new, crisp devotional when you can gift a well-loved classic? This vintage Ellen White devotional comes with pre-underlined passages and cryptic margin notes from its previous owner. It’s like getting spiritual guidance with a side of mystery! Plus, the yellowed pages add a certain gravitas to one’s morning worship routine.
A Half-Empty Bottle of Alcohol-Free Hand Sanitizer
In these health-conscious times, what better gift than the promise of cleanliness? This half-empty bottle of alcohol-free hand sanitizer (because we wouldn’t want to accidentally break any health message principles) is perfect for the germaphobe Adventist. It’s practical, it’s thoughtful, and most importantly, it was on sale.
A Slightly Dented Can of Worthington
Nothing says “Happy Birthday” quite like processed vegetarian protein! This can of Worthington’s finest might be slightly dented, but the contents are still perfect for crafting that special birthday “meatloaf.” Remember, it’s not the presentation that matters, but the plant-based goodness inside.
A Coupon for One Free Bible Study
Who needs material gifts when you can offer the gift of knowledge? This homemade coupon entitles the bearer to one free Bible study session with you, their ever-so-thoughtful friend. Choose from exciting topics like “The 2300-Day Prophecy Explained” or “Decoding the Beast of Revelation.” It’s the gift that keeps on giving… for at least a couple of hours.
A Gently Used Sabbath School Quarterly
Why wait until next quarter to start studying? This lightly used Sabbath School quarterly is only three weeks behind the current lessons. Some of the fill-in-the-blank sections are already completed, saving your friend valuable study time. It’s like a spiritual head start!
A Personalized “Second Coming” Countdown Calendar
Nothing says “Happy Birthday” quite like a reminder of the end times! This handcrafted countdown calendar features your best guess for the date of the Second Coming, based on your latest late-night study of Daniel and Revelation. It’s the perfect gift for the prophecy enthusiast in your life, and if your calculations are off, well, there’s always next birthday!
Remember, it’s not about the price tag or the newness of the gift. It’s about the thought, the creativity, and the ability to repurpose items from around the church into heartfelt presents. After all, isn’t resourcefulness next to godliness? (Or was that cleanliness? We’ll have to check our slightly outdated concordance for that one.)
Happy Birthday to all our January-born Adventist friends!
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.